I Want Part 2

“I’m no crazy creep, I’ve got it coming
To me because I’m not satisfied
The hunger keeps on growing
I eat too much
I drink too much
I want too much
Too much…” Dave Matthews Band

Why do we feel entitled? In my search for understanding the wanting this keeps coming up. Why do we deserve? What have I done to deserve this? Why do we feel like we deserve what we get, don’t deserve that, I am owed, cutting corners to get what we want, taking no chances, not doing the hard work, not looking inside, outside, all around for what is right in us all along. All I really want now is me. Healthy, happy me. All that does not come in a box a pretty cellophane wrapped plastic all shiny and new, drawing me in with its false joy and empty promises. Everything that does not come in a pill, capsule, tablet, computer, cell phone, website, magazine, shiny new thing. Love is the only real answer. I have to love me, every ounce of me, this is me accepting me right now, and I deserve it.

I WANT Part 1

I have been been traveling down this road with a need to find some mental relief. Dealing with loss is part of life and accepting that pain, growing from the experience and moving on is how we are able to truly live.

I find myself confused and frustrated often. I want to be happy, I want to be peaceful, I want the laundry to be done, I want a new car, I want the world to be different, I want a pool, I want my husband to not play WOW so much, I want to be free of regret, guilt, humiliation, I want...

That is on a bad day, usually it is one want at a time, but last weekend, I had all these wants at once. I walked around that Sunday in a blurry daze wondering why I was so unhappy. Going back over my weekend, nothing really stood out. I was excited about a new project. I had gathered up all of my magazines (an addiction!), and made folders to sort all the good ideas from them. I have always enjoyed magazines like Living, Real Simple, BHG Storage etc. They are always jam packed with great beauty tips, recipes and home improvement ideas. Then, as if the hand with the latest, greatest nail polish color had reached out of the magazine and punched me in the face, I realized, I was making me unhappy. By wanting, and feeding those wants with a magazine designed to make me want! Every page cleverly designed to tell me that I am a failure. I fail to choose the right colors, the right kitchen, the right clothes...because it is all about me.

I always thought that an epiphany happened in an instant, but this one took me all weekend to figure out, (leading up to the slap in the face of course!) Maybe it would have happened faster if I wasn't on so many meds. (Note: here is a wound exposed.) Ultimately, I want to not be on medication. Recently, my doctor gave me a prescription for xanax. Wow, that is joy in a bottle if I have ever experienced it. Of course, it is not true joy and you see that when the drugs wear off. "Why aren't I as happy as I was yesterday?" This is the question that sparked my epiphany. Well, anyone reading this, that has been mentally altered by drugs or alcohol, knows the answer. Being still foggy from the false euphoria, it took me a while to grasp. One reason is that I hadn't taken any pills, but the other reason was that I was allowing these forms of media to keep me down. More than any pill, I am addicted to media. I love to watch TV, read magazines, and waste time on the internet. None of this time spent dedicated to my favorite shows, websites, mags, etc. make me a better person. I just continue to be on the path of wanting.

One of my initial reactions to my realization was to feel regret, guilt and anger. I was mad at myself for wanting. But isn’t that feeling an inherent human trait? Was I wrong for wanting? No, I was wrong for feeding it. Lack of self discipline, really the true source of my unhappiness.

So, how to change, the “to be, or not to be” of our generation. It really isn’t about changing because that implies instant gratification. We must evolve. Evolve away from want. Do I need a new nail polish color to survive? No, but I must love myself as I am today to live.

After recycling the bulk of my magazines, I started writing this blog. Replacing habits with new behaviors, is my new goal. These new behaviors are about knowledge. Now, I know that it sounds like replacing a want with a want, but, that is why evolution works. Baby steps.

It has been way too long...

I have had some ups and downs over the past year but things are finally clicking. Mentally I have been in a very low place. Self-pity, guilt, and low self esteem have been keeping me down. I have let them keep me down. I keep me down. Recently I realized that those negative thoughts and feelings are not part of the true me. I am confident, I am a good person, I love me. The difference between now and then is only that I allow myself to feel this love. When you feel love for yourself you are able to genuinely give love. "Pain is simply the difference between the way things are and the way you want them to be." - The Precious Present by Spencer Johnson, MD. (thanks Ted!).

Makeover

So many things going through my mind lately, I figured, why not just do a brain dump on my blog? In part, Ted is my inspiration for this one as I feel some truth coming on. I am struggling with some "delayed after effects" from the accident. At first I felt that it was a blessing in disguise. I mean who wouldn't want to stay home and not work? This seems like a very simple question but for me it is loaded. Lately, I am finding that I derived a lot of my confidence from that job. I was climbing up the "ladder," I pictured myself retiring from there, I felt a part of that family. A family that I have not heard from at all. Writing that really made my heart race and the tears well up. So, now all of that is gone and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel lost. Like I left me there up on that hill. Every day I have some new idea that might help me be happy with this hand that I have been dealt. Because that's all it is, a losing hand. The next deal may just be the winning one, but I'm still holding on this one. My cards need a makeover. So, since I don't know where to start I will be seeking the help of a professional. Why is that so hard to admit? Well, there it is and I will keep you posted, I promise. Thanks for reading and my hope is that the next few posts won't be such a downer.

Phreds

This post is a tribute to my dear cousin/sister/friend Michele. At some point during high school we came up with the nickname Phred and it stuck. We are Phreds. What that means exactly:



Practically the same person

Hysterical

Resilliant

Earn more sessions by sleaving

Devoted

Silly



Michele and I grew up together and she is almost 1 year older than me. Our moms are sisters and my mom was too young when she had me and in the begining her mom was doing it all by herself. So, naturally they spent a lot of time together, which meant Michele and I did too. Our moms rock! Thank you to them for being the original Phreds. I love Michele as though she were my twin. We do crazy things like twins do - say the same thing at the same time, pick up the phone to call and before dialing one or the other is already there, buy the same things even tho we are 3,000 miles apart, etc. My childhood memories are filled with giggle fits, secrets, and bad hair all of which we shared.



As adults, we still giggle like madwomen, and cry nearly every time we talk on the phone. The distance between us are only miles, but it sure would be nice to be able to walk next door and have a cup of coffee with my Phred like we always dreamed we would as kids. Sometimes I want to rebel against the inevitable; responsibilities, finances, etc. and drop everything to go see her. Especially now when our problems have changed from boyfriends, Cure concerts and chicken coops to parenting, health and jobs. Even if time passes and we don't have the chance to talk, she is always in my thoughts. I think that is what makes us a great pair, we understand eachother because we think about eachother.



Love you Phred.

Feel bad about yourself...

that is what the media would like you to do. You are a fat lazy slob and we want to capitalize on your self hatred. That is the diet industry's new years resolution. I have struggled with my weight for years and I am fed up. I refuse to buy into the idea that I am a bad person because I am overweight. I choose to eat healthy and tivo all the shows I love so that I can fast forward through the plethora of weight loss ads. There is no answer in a pill. We all know what we need to do but with all the crap that is going on in the world, who wants to spend their life thinking about everything that they put in their mouth. Not me. I just want to be happy and healthy. For years I have felt that the only way that I can truly be happy is to be thin. Sure, it wouldn't hurt my self esteem, but what about all of the other things in my life?

The answer is; I am truly blessed. I have Eric, he is a brilliant, tender, funny, sexy man and my best friend. We make and awesome team and though marraige isn't easy, we still have fun together. I have Jake, who not only changed my life when he was born, but still challenges me to be a better person every day. He makes us so proud. He is really becoming an amazing person. I have my wonderful family. The true foundation of my life. The people that have been there for me though all the tough times. Thank you to you all.

I refuse to let these extra pounds get me down anymore.

So here is my plan; I am going to use this blog to keep you all updated with my life, but also explore what it means to eat healthy. Like Eric's blog, there will be recipes and pics, but also healthy snacks and alternatives to my favs.

Let me know if you try anything posted here and feel free to make suggestions. Thanks for reading!