I WANT Part 1

I have been been traveling down this road with a need to find some mental relief. Dealing with loss is part of life and accepting that pain, growing from the experience and moving on is how we are able to truly live.

I find myself confused and frustrated often. I want to be happy, I want to be peaceful, I want the laundry to be done, I want a new car, I want the world to be different, I want a pool, I want my husband to not play WOW so much, I want to be free of regret, guilt, humiliation, I want...

That is on a bad day, usually it is one want at a time, but last weekend, I had all these wants at once. I walked around that Sunday in a blurry daze wondering why I was so unhappy. Going back over my weekend, nothing really stood out. I was excited about a new project. I had gathered up all of my magazines (an addiction!), and made folders to sort all the good ideas from them. I have always enjoyed magazines like Living, Real Simple, BHG Storage etc. They are always jam packed with great beauty tips, recipes and home improvement ideas. Then, as if the hand with the latest, greatest nail polish color had reached out of the magazine and punched me in the face, I realized, I was making me unhappy. By wanting, and feeding those wants with a magazine designed to make me want! Every page cleverly designed to tell me that I am a failure. I fail to choose the right colors, the right kitchen, the right clothes...because it is all about me.

I always thought that an epiphany happened in an instant, but this one took me all weekend to figure out, (leading up to the slap in the face of course!) Maybe it would have happened faster if I wasn't on so many meds. (Note: here is a wound exposed.) Ultimately, I want to not be on medication. Recently, my doctor gave me a prescription for xanax. Wow, that is joy in a bottle if I have ever experienced it. Of course, it is not true joy and you see that when the drugs wear off. "Why aren't I as happy as I was yesterday?" This is the question that sparked my epiphany. Well, anyone reading this, that has been mentally altered by drugs or alcohol, knows the answer. Being still foggy from the false euphoria, it took me a while to grasp. One reason is that I hadn't taken any pills, but the other reason was that I was allowing these forms of media to keep me down. More than any pill, I am addicted to media. I love to watch TV, read magazines, and waste time on the internet. None of this time spent dedicated to my favorite shows, websites, mags, etc. make me a better person. I just continue to be on the path of wanting.

One of my initial reactions to my realization was to feel regret, guilt and anger. I was mad at myself for wanting. But isn’t that feeling an inherent human trait? Was I wrong for wanting? No, I was wrong for feeding it. Lack of self discipline, really the true source of my unhappiness.

So, how to change, the “to be, or not to be” of our generation. It really isn’t about changing because that implies instant gratification. We must evolve. Evolve away from want. Do I need a new nail polish color to survive? No, but I must love myself as I am today to live.

After recycling the bulk of my magazines, I started writing this blog. Replacing habits with new behaviors, is my new goal. These new behaviors are about knowledge. Now, I know that it sounds like replacing a want with a want, but, that is why evolution works. Baby steps.